Tony Turbot kindly offered to write a report for us and here it is.Many thanks Mr T.
Last Sunday’s Hammster Runn….
A goodly selection of the Marauders – me, Milo, Mighty Marie, Ali the ‘Lyin’ Scotsman, Phil the Ratcatcher Bolton Abbey accompanied a paltry few Hammsters, or even a few paltry Hammsters even… namely ‘uncle’ Geoff Ellis, Lord Woodster of Woodchip, and some other bloke (Mick?) oh and Karen ‘TT Titan’ Taylor, who is a bit of a renegade & doesn’t really fall into anybody’s gang….. Have I missed anybody? Don’t think so, for the SS (That’s Secret Squirrels, not Wreckless Himmler’s SchutzStaffel…..) were away Sportivioing….
So, me and Marie lead on to K Town, whereupon I am ‘exhausted’ with her attempts to engage me in conversation with her constant yakkety chirruping, and I try to conserve my energy by nodding sagely and grunting…. Alas, as we peel off at Kliffe Kastle, ‘uncle’ Geoff joins me, and it is he that twitters and mithers away in me lug hole all the wruddy way to Skiptonshire… where by the time we have scaled the height of the climb out of town I am defo in need of a littel lie down, and promptly take one!
Well….. the new bicycle decides it’s time I had a ‘nap’ as the front wheel lands on a large metal cover, the tyre hits the edge and goes awol!!! sending me curbwards eeeaaarhgh! whence the bicycle suddenly ‘lies down’ on the grass…. oooopphhhh!!! I gasp winded. I hear a cry go out ‘Man Off’… which sounds suspiciously like ‘Mile Off’… Phat chance I think…. and struggle manfully feetwards, casting a cursory glance over the Colnagolooni…. Phew… no signs of great scrapage down the phorks… just a phew….. spokeular scratches where they have made contact with the kerb. I leap into the (Colnago) saddle and pedal up to the r/about…. Bl*ddy h*ll they are all waiting!!! I make mental note to enter this in me diary…. peloton waits… that’s a 1st!
Which ‘minds me… on Weds, when I am riding with Foxy Milo and Moanin’ Mark Bolton Abbey, and Mark’s bottle ejects itself from his cheap bottle cage (I wonder where he got them from…? Not the Chrome ‘n Glass emporium that is Paul Milnes Cycles I’ll be bound! and Foxy Milo slows down…… and… wait for this…. stops… and unclips!!! Bl**dy H*ll… What are you doing? as I sail away….. you don’t wait for me for anything….. Yes… that’s right, he smirks…..
Anyroadup, the pace quickens a tad as we head Grassington and Kettlewellshirewards…. and frequent calls of ‘mile off’ have to be made to reign in the leaders, for Karen is falling out the back, together with Mick(?) Tho TT Titan Karen was racing on the Sat so she has an excuse. We largely remain together, but the weather deteriorates, and becomes murky/misty and remains cold….. Marie twitters that she hopes it doesn’t rain, for she has no coat…. What? ‘Be Prepared’ Marie…. Oh, you wouldn’t have been in the Scouts would you…. well try this one… ‘Ne’er cast a clout ’till May is out’. Olde Yarkshire saying… Fortunately (for Marie) the rain holds off, and we don’t have to ‘cape up’.
As we approach Kilnsey Krag, we have had enough of the dog’s abuse and tootings being hurled at us from sundry Sunday Rednecked motorists (probly from K Town) W*nkers! we decide to Kurtail Kettlewell in favour of a detour via Koniston to Grassington and thus to Burnsall, where my bicycle knows its own way!
The cafe is heaving, but hey we are ‘regglars’ and soon manage to eject a couple of tables of part time ‘off ‘t cumden’s to get seated. I soon get myself outside of my usual ‘Brownlee Special’, as does his Lordshop, for it is my ‘turn’ to pay….
As I go to pay, I see a fellow psyclist sporting a Maglia Rosa (Pink Jersey you plebs!) and as I am sporting my good Giro top, we are soon engaged in jolly conversation, whereupon he tells me his top is this year’s ‘model’ having been ‘designed’ by my fave designer clothier Paul Smith.
Look… he says showing me his signature writ large on the front… I went to the launch last week… and got him to sign this he says proudly….
B*st*rd! I grimace…. I decide I am going to have to k*ll him and steal his jersey!!!
Suitably replenished, we depart on the back road ostensibly to avoid the traffic, and all goes well until we hit the infamous col de Nesfield, and the ‘chancers’ commence their sprint for the Ilkley sign. I decide not to bother, for I still have the 40 mile TT training ride/sprint in me littel legs (see me Pharcebook page!) with Milo the day before. Not much else to report I don’t think….. back home (headwind) just in time to make tea…
That reminds me I must ‘catalogue’ my Paul Smith collection… plebs!
Turbot the sharp dressed man…..